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[diametrically]

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[magicalarchaeologist]

I was already sick of this place.

I know, which is what I told her, but logic doesn't really work against guilty feelings.

[diametrically]

it doesn't come across that way in public
you play the part well

feelings get the best of us
i forgot everything about who i was and the people i care for. a part of me blames myself for it

[magicalarchaeologist]

I was trained in court politics. As soon as I graduated, I left all that behind to be a researcher, but some training never goes away. I've had to learn again while here, to protect everyone else.

I forgot things I wanted to forget.

[diametrically]

the summoned are lucky to have you

i can't forget. i don't want to forget.
is it something you want to talk about?

[magicalarchaeologist]

I do what I can for us. We're all we have, especially in Thorne. Nowhere else can understand how trapped we are here.

Not long ago, I gained memories of my entire organization being slaughtered in front of me. It's been difficult.

[diametrically]

it won't be forever

[ The sentiment has been like a guiding light long before he had ended up here. ]

...i'm sorry
memories like that are difficult to live with

[ There's a pause. ]

but sometimes memories like that are worth having if only to remind you what you're trying to protect

[magicalarchaeologist]

I hope that part of the fantasy ends up true. I was ready to spend decades here if need be, but it's more difficult.

I know, believe me. Lucifer offered to wipe the memories after it happened, as if that would help, but I had to live with it. I just didn't appreciate experiencing it a second time.

It sounds like you're speaking from experience?

private b/c it's cassian

[diametrically]

don't give up hope, istredd
it's the thing that keeps us going

[ There's another pause. ]

several experiences
i've been part of a war - am part of a war. i've seen other prisoners "reprimanded", and i saw my adoptive father hung for trying to keep protesters safe

[ It's only a summary of his life and doesn't even begin to cover his life before Ferrix, but recounting those things, even briefly, is still enough to make him weary and to remind him of the anger in his veins. ]

[magicalarchaeologist]

Hope is not something I put a lot of stock in, but I know that's very cynical of me.

When they first started Summoning people here, Thorne threw most of them in the dungeons and kept them there. They almost executed one of us. I'm afraid you haven't come to a much safer place.

[diametrically]

it is, but the same can be said for plenty of other people
hope persists all the same

i didn't expect to come to a safer place if they have to resort to kidnapping us

[ And maybe, Istredd might get the impression that Cassian might be very used to things like this happening to him in his life. ]

[magicalarchaeologist]

Some of us are for the better, being here, so it creates an uncomfortable contrast, of being grateful and hateful at the same time.

[diametrically]

it would be different if they didn't keep us here under pretenses
it would be different if that's exactly how oppression operates and wants you to feel

[ They're perhaps harsh, direct words, but Cassian has so rarely been a soft, indirect person. ]

it doesn't always have to feel like that, istredd
it won't always feel like that

[magicalarchaeologist]

Lucifer's dead. This is his only chance at life, our only chance to be together. It makes us weak and vulnerable to Thorne, yes, but I can't be sorry about anything to do with him.