[ Be that as it may, he understands. Because while the hunger had called to him so deeply within his bones and he'd often wandered without memory or sense of self, he had been more content than he's ever been towards the end. The peace he had known had been so fleeting because shortly after that he'd realized he needed to wake up from the dream. ]
happiness can exist outside of that dream, istredd
i know. they told me as much when i arrived but they don't get to use my name
[ His gaze lingers on the words, particularly the last one. It's not something he can give him right now - no matter how much something in his bones urges him to. All he can offer instead is - ]
you'll find all of that again i'll help you
she hasn't spoken a word to me, but i managed to get her to bathe the other day
you aren't the only one who wants to leave there's already unrest in nott and we saw a future they found their independence there's a spark already - it doesn't mean it has to take decades or centuries
[ Even if it means he has to tear it down with his own hands. ]
she isn't the only one who forgot it wasn't a choice, it was forced on her
I was trained in court politics. As soon as I graduated, I left all that behind to be a researcher, but some training never goes away. I've had to learn again while here, to protect everyone else.
I hope that part of the fantasy ends up true. I was ready to spend decades here if need be, but it's more difficult.
I know, believe me. Lucifer offered to wipe the memories after it happened, as if that would help, but I had to live with it. I just didn't appreciate experiencing it a second time.
don't give up hope, istredd it's the thing that keeps us going
[ There's another pause. ]
several experiences i've been part of a war - am part of a war. i've seen other prisoners "reprimanded", and i saw my adoptive father hung for trying to keep protesters safe
[ It's only a summary of his life and doesn't even begin to cover his life before Ferrix, but recounting those things, even briefly, is still enough to make him weary and to remind him of the anger in his veins. ]
Hope is not something I put a lot of stock in, but I know that's very cynical of me.
When they first started Summoning people here, Thorne threw most of them in the dungeons and kept them there. They almost executed one of us. I'm afraid you haven't come to a much safer place.
it would be different if they didn't keep us here under pretenses it would be different if that's exactly how oppression operates and wants you to feel
[ They're perhaps harsh, direct words, but Cassian has so rarely been a soft, indirect person. ]
it doesn't always have to feel like that, istredd it won't always feel like that
Lucifer's dead. This is his only chance at life, our only chance to be together. It makes us weak and vulnerable to Thorne, yes, but I can't be sorry about anything to do with him.
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Would you prefer I not call you by your name? I know you were going by another by choice.
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cassian is fine in private
[ There's another pause. ]
i didn't trust anyone in the castle. i still don't.
[ It's not an outright apology but he feels like he owes Istredd some kind of explanation. ]
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[ Cassian had more of a struggle obviously, his life there difficult, but for Istredd it was ideal. He was very happy, he had everything he wanted. ]
I understand. I'll be careful. Though I should note that the summoners know all our names.
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happiness can exist outside of that dream, istredd
i know. they told me as much when i arrived
but they don't get to use my name
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Understood. Have you spoken to River since we got back?
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no. she doesn't speak
i've been reading to her and making sure she eats, even if it's just a bit
[ In fact he's barely left her room. ]
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We spoke telepathically, I thought that would be easier for her. I'm glad you're there with her.
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you'll find all of that again
i'll help you
she hasn't spoken a word to me, but i managed to get her to bathe the other day
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She feels guilty about forgetting her family.
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there's already unrest in nott and we saw a future they found their independence
there's a spark already - it doesn't mean it has to take decades or centuries
[ Even if it means he has to tear it down with his own hands. ]
she isn't the only one who forgot
it wasn't a choice, it was forced on her
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I know, which is what I told her, but logic doesn't really work against guilty feelings.
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you play the part well
feelings get the best of us
i forgot everything about who i was and the people i care for. a part of me blames myself for it
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I forgot things I wanted to forget.
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i can't forget. i don't want to forget.
is it something you want to talk about?
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Not long ago, I gained memories of my entire organization being slaughtered in front of me. It's been difficult.
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[ The sentiment has been like a guiding light long before he had ended up here. ]
...i'm sorry
memories like that are difficult to live with
[ There's a pause. ]
but sometimes memories like that are worth having if only to remind you what you're trying to protect
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I know, believe me. Lucifer offered to wipe the memories after it happened, as if that would help, but I had to live with it. I just didn't appreciate experiencing it a second time.
It sounds like you're speaking from experience?
private b/c it's cassian
it's the thing that keeps us going
[ There's another pause. ]
several experiences
i've been part of a war - am part of a war. i've seen other prisoners "reprimanded", and i saw my adoptive father hung for trying to keep protesters safe
[ It's only a summary of his life and doesn't even begin to cover his life before Ferrix, but recounting those things, even briefly, is still enough to make him weary and to remind him of the anger in his veins. ]
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When they first started Summoning people here, Thorne threw most of them in the dungeons and kept them there. They almost executed one of us. I'm afraid you haven't come to a much safer place.
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hope persists all the same
i didn't expect to come to a safer place if they have to resort to kidnapping us
[ And maybe, Istredd might get the impression that Cassian might be very used to things like this happening to him in his life. ]
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it would be different if that's exactly how oppression operates and wants you to feel
[ They're perhaps harsh, direct words, but Cassian has so rarely been a soft, indirect person. ]
it doesn't always have to feel like that, istredd
it won't always feel like that
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